Mental Health

How Can You Support Me? / Coming Off the Roof!

I have been thinking about how I could make it easy for people to support my work. Joining Patreon is an option, though I’m less drawn to monthly offerings as I don’t think it suits my pattern. I’d rather foster individual relationships with supporters who really dig my work, and arrange with each how to make that rewarding for both sides. Sometimes people want to be a part of some of the creative process, and that would mean a lot to them. I’m thinking a few good supporters or even realistically one or two would work well for me. It’s not the sort of thing you necessarily advertise for; they may organically emerge. Personal connection is very important with my work. That said, I’d happily negotiate smaller exchanges as well which are not necessarily ongoing. This post is about my current work; an update on where I am at; how I support myself; and how you could be involved. I haven’t blogged for a few years so there’s a lot of ground to cover! I hope to share more blogs from now on about my process, so you can get a sense of my practice. Writing about some of my life which is pertinent has always been part of my oeuvre.

I have some performances coming up – Deptford X Festival on 24th July, plus a gig at The Crypt Gallery in Euston suggested as 24th May (tbc). Others may also line up but are not ready to be mentioned. It’s way too early for my above shows to be on either site.

For Deptford X, this is not funded, but I can ask for donations. Likewise with the Crypt. I will put energy into preparing the work, which will probably be the same show for both performances. The venues are considerably different however, and if it were possible I would love to work with a sound artist at The Crypt which is a unique and atmospheric space. That could be essentially a percussionist, or perhaps more appropriate would be a digital soundscape maker. It would suit someone who feels drawn to situating their sounds in the Victorian vaults underneath a church. Stone, arched corridors; crumbling tombs, dark alcoves.

The show I have applied to bring to Deptford X is ‘From the 7th Layer‘. I plan a little remake for it, to keep up with where I am at now. They are primarily a visual arts festival, so I will provide drawing materials for the audience. I don’t pay for venue space (a pub room at the very friendly The Royal Albert) for this one or the Crypt. The latter is a gift from an employer/colleague who runs the Crypt and because it will be free, I won’t be able to confirm the date until about a week before.

With Deptford X, it’s a great way to be part of my local arts scene. The festival has a longstanding legacy of being supported by the Arts Council, so being included in their programme can feel positive for one’s CV. Funding however is not available for me there as I am not a minority*. I am fortunate to live in such a culturally rich area. On the funding side of things I will use my ingenuity!

* Sometimes I tick the neurodivergent box, and because it’s a self-identifying trait, who can tell? When I read a list of characteristics they all felt very familiar. However, being very optimistic and always enjoying what is different about me, I never sought any diagnosis (there are some conditions like autism which do determine neurodivergence). I don’t see it as a problem, just positive to be thinking and feeling in creative ways. Plus I guess, I am pretty functional.

Your support, your money and offerings in kind, may buy me time to do my art or otherwise assist me to further it. I make my life work independently, but extra costs like an impending dental bill, are unavoidable and harder to factor in. Doing too many hours as a life model is counter-productive as it may wreck my body, and the cost of restoring it is far higher than what I earn.

Apart from modelling and performing, I used to lead classes and could do again. I receive help with my rent – universal credit – but I am under pressure to make more money and accept any job. To that end I will probably be working a number of hours fairly soon doing something quite ordinary.

My expenses are relatively simple as I am not drawn to materialism. I don’t think it’s bad; it’s just not my style. My sense about wealth is it’s about personality and individual life purposes. We’re not all wired to be wealthy or even aspire to it. We have other things to do! My life is rich in myriad ways which are rarely about money. The trappings of considerable wealth turn me off, and when I spend time in a rich relative’s 4th home on a far flung peninsula on this planet, the high level security feels like a prison to me. I prefer to be more humble and value connecting with ordinary people. My ways are likely mutually alien to him. While this post doesn’t feel aimed at him, if he or anyone like that wants to be in touch, I am naturally open to it. What I can’t relate to, does spark my curiosity. To see someone enjoying their life, and living it to the full, with a lot of love as well as money, is inspiring, even if the details are strange to me.

My mobile phone is the same one I bought second hand five years ago. It still works and again, I don’t think everyone needs the latest tech. Rather than pay for broadband I tether, and I often find clothes on the street! (My neighbourhood is good for that). Generally I would rather be outdoors in wild nature than pay for an art institution’s subscription (sorry! Plus various friends have them.) Some people would say I flaunt a scarcity mindset, which I have considered but I don’t think it’s that. I truly enjoy simple things and even old fashioned ways. Seeing how people live in “developing” countries (or “emergent nations”) inspires me, and I think we have a lot more to learn from them than we may realise. That said many of them have newer phones than me! I have a rule about following my joy, my inner bliss, and that’s how I know I’m on the right track. Shopping centres repel me, but finding items on the pavement excites me!

Until recently I did have a more exciting life of world travel due to my ex-partner. It was my choice to leave what was a very good relationship. Yet something was missing. I had never been single for more than three to four months since I was 18. I was about to turn 48 and I had been single for less than a year in total in the last 30 years. I decided it was time to come off the roof* and see what happened.

*Coming off the roof is an expression in the Human Design modality, referring to the time in life around middle age for a particular type of person, of which I am apparently one. Such types may come into their own later in life, specifically after the small planet Chiron returns to its starting position when we are about 50 years old. Human Design is an elaborate form of astrology, mixed with the I Ching. There is also a sense of risk with coming off the roof, even as it is a strong pull. Will you grow wings and soar, or gently float; or will you fall and crash? Such people may be carving an untrodden path, and depending on where they are, the world around them may not be ready to catch. Anyway, it’s intensely complicated, but it did strike a chord, and long before I’d heard about it, I had a clear feeling that in order to develop myself further, I would need to be solo.

So I actively chose to let go of some abundance in my life on various levels – love, sex, affection, emotional support, friendship, wise counsel, material resources, travel, a residence outside of the capital, and the true list is far longer… because my internal compass was pointing in a new direction. If complete self individuation is my intention, I would need to stop being so in relation to another person. That feels profoundly correct, yet it is also deeply sad, and at times I can’t believe what I’ve done.

While it is a wrench, I am also very grateful we have been able to navigate the separation and maintain harmonious, respectful, loving appreciation for each other. That’s not exactly a first for me, but it is the first time I haven’t met anyone else, and I have almost zero interest in doing so. My inner guidance tells me I need at least a year, probably two or more, to just be with myself. I am unwinding not only from the last over nine years, but from the last 30 years of intimate partnership. That’s a lot of rewinding and looking within, recalibrating. Peri-menopause for me is a blessing allowing me the hormonal space to be single. For decades I was dominated by those chemicals. Finally I have a chance to be free. Maybe that’s my coming off the roof. There’s no one to catch me but I don’t need them anyway.

On the spiritual side, I can hear my guides much more clearly as a single person. There’s less interruption. I know I must instil that strong connection with them before all else. For the unfamiliar, guides are the mostly unseen beings accompanying each of us from another dimension. They connect us with a higher version of ourselves, and with pure love and light. Even if we don’t know it (or believe it) they are there. This is a belief system which even if it isn’t true, can radically enhance your existence! It aligns with quantum physics in that the multiverse means we exist simultaneously with other versions of ourself. By choosing to focus on our highest potential, we may redirect ourselves in this life. (I’ve forgotten which film that is the plot of.) You don’t need guides for that, but they appeal to some imaginations, and if they make you feel excited about something good, then they are worth tuning into.

Building a fruitful connection with them feels like your intuition being spot on, your instincts serving you well, inspiration leading you to wonderful places, and your dreams leaving you with useful messages. The fantasticalness of spirituality fascinates me, the multi-dimensionality. I imagine it’s our evolutionary impulse, and that awareness makes many lower vibration earth-bound situations feel less troublesome to me. I do see the world in a different, more positive light than I used to.

A note on travel and maintaining my new momentum. It was in early February this year (the relationship separation was over Christmas by the way) an artist I work with told me her paintings of me may hang in an important exhibition in New York in September. I decided I must go, and it would be my first ever trip in my life to the US. I’d wanted to go for ages, especially since reading my American Gramp’s memoirs. I didn’t just want to go to New York, I really wanted to get to Seattle where he came from. And I wanted to see more of the amazing landscapes America has to offer.

So I booked a journey across America by myself in my first year of being single. I kept quiet about the trip till now because it feels very personal. Breaking up is extremely personal. I just kept quiet. My first trip to the US is something very special. It will take me time to acclimatise, and I will be able to focus on my new surroundings and switch on my senses full blast best being solo. That’s something else Human Design gave me solace about. It explained how I operate energetically, and why I need so much quiet time. Like a diagnosis in an astrological reading. I already knew these things, and it feels validating to have them backed up by planets and signs.

The trip is for just over three weeks and I would have loved it to be long enough to really make connections. Maintaining my home in London is also a consideration however. If you want to help me cover the costs of my trip, that would be extremely appreciated. This is a unique experience I am doing on a budget of greyhound buses and single rooms. I don’t sleep well enough for couch surfing to be advisable.

Other ways to help include sharing business expertise, technical support, holiday homes especially close to nature, theatrical direction or video editing for example. What I could offer in return – house/pet/babysitting; art modelling; intuitive counselling/coaching (I am not trained); help with meditation or embodied movement; creative problem solving; a very positive sounding board to help steer you from gloom; tapping into your creativity; helping you follow your intuition. Also, collaborations, venue space and invitations to perform or hold workshops.

I am very excited to be travelling a bit further for the first time alone.

A photo of me by Richard Crawford. I was at the private view of Drawing Humans exhibition at XYZ Gallery on 12 March. I am wearing a new dress I bought in a natty shop in Bishops Castle which my friend Sara took me to.

On Sexuality, Disability & Mental Health; or Sustainable Living

From when I was a child, I can remember wanting my Mum to be better, wanting to make her happy. It was perhaps the strongest emotional drive in me. Long before she was diagnosed with MS, I knew she was deeply unhappy, which was expressed mainly through her anger. I wanted her to be ok. It was what I wished for when I blew out the candles, or the tooth fairy visited.

So now I attract partners, sometimes friends that I would like to fix. Habit.

Mum did get better. Not physically, but emotionally she is the most reliably happy person in the family. Definitely not angry. To be fair Seroxat has a lot to do with that, but so does my Father’s unerring loving care towards her. Truly in my experience anti-depressants have never suited a person so well. I think knowing she will never move her body again by herself, gives her conscience clear reign at accepting the drugs. Inside she is very sad at what has become of her, but that is successfully suppressed, and she shows immense gratitude for all she does have, always professing sheer joy in her state of being. As well as the suppression of pain, there is the countering effect of transformation, and I do mean spiritual. Mum knows that in the height of her youth and health, she was unable to appreciate what she had, so dogged was she by anger and lack of confidence. Now that she has lost the use of limbs, sometimes eyes, sometimes mind; she knows more keenly what she had previously, but much more than the value of these physical aids, she is now open to love in her life in a way which she never was before. Most people I know on anti-depressants still get depressed, but not Mum. They really work with her, year after year.

from a recent Drawing Theatre session I did with Paul Kindersley

from a recent Drawing Theatre session I did with Paul Kindersley

On Wednesday 7th August, Mum will be modelling with Spirited Bodies, and this time (she took part before clothed for portrait with Dad) she will be nude. She is really excited about this, saying that although she doesn’t particularly think her body is beautiful, the idea that people will spend time drawing her is very incredible and uplifting. She says it feels like a gift, and she recognises she may be a role model for other disabled people to take part in future. She may not have a wide pose range, but my Goodness can she hold still.

I still have issues on occasion about being asked to look after her. Doesn’t happen very often. I am busy in my life, the other side of London, whizzing this way and that, my parents have their routine and I don’t see them a lot. My brother and sister are much closer to home. I would resent caring for my Mother as I felt I lost a number of years due to her earlier negativity, lack of love for me. On top of this, I have in recent years felt as if I have lost my Father for the enormous task of taking care of Mum. He is exhausted and needs every bit of free non-family time for himself. So I raised this point not long ago, and now we are in the process of reclaiming that forgotten Father/Daughter relationship which may be the precedent for some of the most crucial relationships I form.

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Spirited Bodies is a challenge to keep flourishing – sometimes I recognise in writing the familiar spiel in emails and documents, I have lost some of the necessary passion and zeal to lift this off the ground. Become normal, ordinary, I forget how magical it is! Others in the team get judged by family for putting so much time into life modelling and this project, when before they held high earning jobs, keeping their families in the trappings they are accustomed. This is a real test on relationships, for loved ones to see past the financial value, and appreciate what it is that makes them happy. In our case life modelling and taking that further to others.

model Kayleigh

model Kayleigh

This societal/monetary pressure is a most damaging force, an unfortunate reckoner, and in this respect I am grateful for my rebellious youth which long ago set a precedent for not being expected to achieve or earn in a certain way. And I surround myself with people who understand that and do not judge me for my nude activities. It can be a harsh shock when I find myself in less than usual territory in the company of ‘normals’! But I am getting better at it.

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Attracting a damaged mate has opened up a new vista as I retread the possibilities of more open relationship. I am a dynamic being full of expression and desire, so a physically weaker character with whom I fell in love, cannot hold permanently my capacity. I was getting desperate, thought of splitting up – but we didn’t really want that. I entertained the idea of becoming a surrogate – offering myself for the (sexual) healing of others and my financial gain, but it didn’t quite click. I thought of exercising after long, long pause the lesbian in me, and here I hit a note. I realised my experience of cunt has been so much more limited than mine of cock, and all related hormones. I thought how empowering to feel comfortable with cunt, to know others’ and their ways, not just my own. To know them intimately. Last time I investigated I would have been on drugs or pissed; there was room for so much more exploration. And breasts – if you do not have large ones yourself, how wonderful to feel another’s pendulous pair!

Kayleigh is not my lover, but I love these pictures and wanted to use them

Of all the possibilities this seemed least threatening to my boyfriend, or most reasonable. There is also a feminist argument for it. Men remain so tightly bonded by comparison, and we women must catch up if ever we are to match status. My boyfriend is appreciative of this sentiment.

And so I found myself another lover, and what a difference it makes. She has a delicate touch, so sensual; I feel new with her and myself opening with abandon. I feel such gratitude for this amazing opportunity to be intimate with two people, and I am much more thoughtful and peaceful with my boyfriend as a result. I want to cherish him more and show appreciation for his understanding. Before he felt burdened to try to keep up with my numerous social activities which of course he could not begin to; now this obligation is shared! Both my boyfriend and my girlfriend have varying degrees of social phobia, but spurred on by the prospect of keeping up each of their sides of the bargain, we find harmony. Finally I might not turn up almost everywhere alone (despite having someone at home for me), which sometimes created an awkward impression. Now I can really keep my friends guessing!

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On Mental Health: (because recent events have brought me closer to the realm of mental health concerning others)

I learnt young that falling into the system could be damaging. I saw my Grand-Mother drugged in a corner, barely present, except on wild occasion as she stopped her meds, and released the wacky conversations with ghosts in the room. Decades of drugs, Electric-Shock Treatment and institutionalisation took care of her (paranoid schizophrenic) but she looked so innocent to me. She had been the first woman in her town in Lancashire to get into Oxford University where she read English, and met her husband, a colonial type of the old boys network. She had once been very intelligent, not at all ‘mad’, but something had driven her to insanity. After my Grandparents died, old family friends revealed that Grandpa’s blatant affairs had been the trigger; whilst they were living out in Africa, far from her home, and her alone with the children.

As a child I considered; if I was mad and I probably am, I never wanted any authority to get hold of me. The world is mad obviously, so I’d rather take care of myself. I appreciate this doesn’t work for everyone, and that the system though far from perfect, has moved on from ’50s strategies.

I’ve never been attracted to men of a certain class either.

I just wanted to use these lovely pictures which have no direct relation to the post

I just wanted to use these lovely pictures which have no direct relation to the post

Spirited Bodies is proud to be part of The Sex Maniacs Ball in September, which is a fundraising event for The Outsiders Trust to enable disabled people to meet partners and celebrate their sexuality. There may be a life modelling workshop, as well as a nude disco along with various other nude activities and therapies.

Life Affirming Beauty

My dearest friend invited me to a gathering at her house whereby her women friends may meet for the first time, and transform energy in her house which had had too many experiences with men in it which she wished to put behind her. It did exceed all her expectations and I met the loveliest of ladies there who with open hearts did connect easily sharing food and stories, advice and laughs. It was a breakthrough and my friend cried with joy to bring her life to this place of amazing uplift. I felt honoured to share in her experience and to have been with her the longest time on her life journey. We have been through shit together and seen each other in decidedly unfavourable circumstances. We fell out too at least once when working on a performance project together brought us to breaking point. A few months later after not talking, we realised we had overcome some block and were closer than ever. We reached a new level of being able to be with each other and it was a relief. Having said our worst to each other, we’d had it out, and there was no need for more upset, just gratitude for each other’s friendship. I am so proud of her now.

When are unkind words necessary?

When you run out of options, patience is exceeded. If they are not nasty for the sake of it, then some difficult but honest words may bridge a gap in time. Some things are hard to say and may only emerge in a conflict, but from there growth is possible, and if embraced can lead to greater clarity.

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