Lesbian – Esther Bunting

Until our legal system changes to allow more than two genders, we are stuck. We would then be operating in a structure that acknowledges and gives rights to more diversity of existence. Until then trans rights are trying to fit into an outdated system which doesn’t do them or anyone else justice.

Until a child can grow up knowing it could be more than male or female and there is a meaningful place for that in our world, people who are gender diverse may only imagine their lives as they ought to be, whilst limited to fitting themselves within the binary for all sorts of functional purposes. That in itself can be harmful. I also believe it contributes to some divisive strategies happening within feminism today. Personally I sit on the fence regarding the gender debate. It may not be fashionable, though to be honest I’m not sure what is! I mean, I think both sides – because that’s what it is (after all we’re stuck in a binary) have elements of sheer value and goodness. I cannot pick a side. I have time for trans activist arguments and gender critical ones. I deplore the negative aspects of both, and as well the fact that they are necessarily at ideological war – a political war for power. They ought to be helping each other.

It’s a distressing situation that sometimes puts me off feminism, or getting more involved. I can’t fit into the current factioned polarity, so I reckon I am better off outside it. I express my feminism as an artist, however my openness to open debate will affect where my work appears and with whom.

I want to hear more lesbian voices. I love this video (below) which showcases a few prominent lesbians in the arts in New York last year. When I see and hear the video, I wish more young girls in particular, but all kids, could see this sort of representation. It normalises female masculinity, in such a way that may or may not be trans; it might be trans that accepts itself as it is. So it offers another perspective that quite often gets missed out in today’s arguments for “inclusivity”. I’m not saying transitioning is wrong; it’s clearly the right thing for many. I just think young kids today might not see enough options to really empower them. If you can truly accept yourself in the body you’re born, that is a very fortunate thing. It’s certainly simpler not to rely on taking hormones for the rest of your life for example. The current pandemic shows how sometimes the modern lifestyle we take for granted can be pulled suddenly from under our feet.

This article explains more about the idea behind the video. The image I have put at the top of this piece, is from the article and it shows a bunch of queer womxn posing for a photoshoot. I am using ‘womxn’ rather than women, as I don’t wan’t to assume their identity.

“…we’re simply not out to appease the male gaze. We disregard and reject the confines of a sexualized and commodified femininity.” Said actor Roberta Colindrez in the article about butches.

I’m not going to write a huge essay on this now. I wrote a bit more last year about gender inclusivity in women’s spaces, for the Spirited Bodies site. It states my position clearly. I embrace the multiplicity of gender and urge a change in the law and the structure of our society which dismantles the binary. I want to see more representation of different types of femininity and masculinity. Until we live in a world that is ok with every version of gender, it’s a lot harder for some of us to know who we really are, and feel safe.

I’ve noticed a current drive by trans activists to push feminists and women’s organisations to make a stand demonstratively. I understand they feel very urgently about promoting their cause, but I think it can sometimes be divisive. The other side has important points too and I will not deny that – like about how gender neutral language can be problematic and erase the experiences of girls. This is very pertinent in addressing violence against women and girls. I also appreciate the need for more varied gender language – like when I used ‘womxn’ above. There is so much to this discussion – and it does contain a lot of nuance – I am just lightly touching on here. I am avoiding linking to either side, but just search on Twitter for examples of them.

The divisiveness is very toxic. I want to hear more people standing up for an open discussion that is not shut down. The message at the moment can sound a bit like it’s from George Orwell’s 1984. If you can’t comply with every part of the activists’ mission, you are their enemy. It needn’t be like that. It would be healthier if it wasn’t. There is another way! That’s why I’m encouraging you to watch the video and read the linked article, as these express in a bit more detail a type of middle ground, and it’s coming directly from some of the queer community. They are people who are more connected perhaps to the issues and I think their voices are so extremely relevent.

From when I was a child, I can remember wanting my Mum to be better, wanting to make her happy. It was perhaps the strongest emotional drive in me. Long before she was diagnosed with MS, I knew she was deeply unhappy, which was expressed mainly through her anger. I wanted her to be ok. It was what I wished for when I blew out the candles, or the tooth fairy visited.

So now I attract partners, sometimes friends that I would like to fix. Habit.

Mum did get better. Not physically, but emotionally she is the most reliably happy person in the family. Definitely not angry. To be fair Seroxat has a lot to do with that, but so does my Father’s unerring loving care towards her. Truly in my experience anti-depressants have never suited a person so well. I think knowing she will never move her body again by herself, gives her conscience clear reign at accepting the drugs. Inside she is very sad at what has become of her, but that is successfully suppressed, and she shows immense gratitude for all she does have, always professing sheer joy in her state of being. As well as the suppression of pain, there is the countering effect of transformation, and I do mean spiritual. Mum knows that in the height of her youth and health, she was unable to appreciate what she had, so dogged was she by anger and lack of confidence. Now that she has lost the use of limbs, sometimes eyes, sometimes mind; she knows more keenly what she had previously, but much more than the value of these physical aids, she is now open to love in her life in a way which she never was before. Most people I know on anti-depressants still get depressed, but not Mum. They really work with her, year after year.

from a recent Drawing Theatre session I did with Paul Kindersley

On Wednesday 7th August, Mum will be modelling with Spirited Bodies, and this time (she took part before clothed for portrait with Dad) she will be nude. She is really excited about this, saying that although she doesn’t particularly think her body is beautiful, the idea that people will spend time drawing her is very incredible and uplifting. She says it feels like a gift, and she recognises she may be a role model for other disabled people to take part in future. She may not have a wide pose range, but my Goodness can she hold still.

I still have issues on occasion about being asked to look after her. Doesn’t happen very often. I am busy in my life, the other side of London, whizzing this way and that, my parents have their routine and I don’t see them a lot. My brother and sister are much closer to home. I would resent caring for my Mother as I felt I lost a number of years due to her earlier negativity, lack of love for me. On top of this, I have in recent years felt as if I have lost my Father for the enormous task of taking care of Mum. He is exhausted and needs every bit of free non-family time for himself. So I raised this point not long ago, and now we are in the process of reclaiming that forgotten Father/Daughter relationship which may be the precedent for some of the most crucial relationships I form.

Spirited Bodies is a challenge to keep flourishing – sometimes I recognise in writing the familiar spiel in emails and documents, I have lost some of the necessary passion and zeal to lift this off the ground. Become normal, ordinary, I forget how magical it is! Others in the team get judged by family for putting so much time into life modelling and this project, when before they held high earning jobs, keeping their families in the trappings they are accustomed. This is a real test on relationships, for loved ones to see past the financial value, and appreciate what it is that makes them happy. In our case life modelling and taking that further to others.

model Kayleigh

This societal/monetary pressure is a most damaging force, an unfortunate reckoner, and in this respect I am grateful for my rebellious youth which long ago set a precedent for not being expected to achieve or earn in a certain way. And I surround myself with people who understand that and do not judge me for my nude activities. It can be a harsh shock when I find myself in less than usual territory in the company of ‘normals’! But I am getting better at it.

Attracting a damaged mate has opened up a new vista as I retread the possibilities of more open relationship. I am a dynamic being full of expression and desire, so a physically weaker character with whom I fell in love, cannot hold permanently my capacity. I was getting desperate, thought of splitting up – but we didn’t really want that. I entertained the idea of becoming a surrogate – offering myself for the (sexual) healing of others and my financial gain, but it didn’t quite click. I thought of exercising after long, long pause the lesbian in me, and here I hit a note. I realised my experience of cunt has been so much more limited than mine of cock, and all related hormones. I thought how empowering to feel comfortable with cunt, to know others’ and their ways, not just my own. To know them intimately. Last time I investigated I would have been on drugs or pissed; there was room for so much more exploration. And breasts – if you do not have large ones yourself, how wonderful to feel another’s pendulous pair!

Of all the possibilities this seemed least threatening to my boyfriend, or most reasonable. There is also a feminist argument for it. Men remain so tightly bonded by comparison, and we women must catch up if ever we are to match status. My boyfriend is appreciative of this sentiment.

And so I found myself another lover, and what a difference it makes. She has a delicate touch, so sensual; I feel new with her and myself opening with abandon. I feel such gratitude for this amazing opportunity to be intimate with two people, and I am much more thoughtful and peaceful with my boyfriend as a result. I want to cherish him more and show appreciation for his understanding. Before he felt burdened to try to keep up with my numerous social activities which of course he could not begin to; now this obligation is shared! Both my boyfriend and my girlfriend have varying degrees of social phobia, but spurred on by the prospect of keeping up each of their sides of the bargain, we find harmony. Finally I might not turn up almost everywhere alone (despite having someone at home for me), which sometimes created an awkward impression. Now I can really keep my friends guessing!

On Mental Health: (because recent events have brought me closer to the realm of mental health concerning others)

I learnt young that falling into the system could be damaging. I saw my Grand-Mother drugged in a corner, barely present, except on wild occasion as she stopped her meds, and released the wacky conversations with ghosts in the room. Decades of drugs, Electric-Shock Treatment and institutionalisation took care of her (paranoid schizophrenic) but she looked so innocent to me. She had been the first woman in her town in Lancashire to get into Oxford University where she read English, and met her husband, a colonial type of the old boys network. She had once been very intelligent, not at all ‘mad’, but something had driven her to insanity. After my Grandparents died, old family friends revealed that Grandpa’s blatant affairs had been the trigger; whilst they were living out in Africa, far from her home, and her alone with the children.

As a child I considered; if I was mad and I probably am, I never wanted any authority to get hold of me. The world is mad obviously, so I’d rather take care of myself. I appreciate this doesn’t work for everyone, and that the system though far from perfect, has moved on from ’50s strategies.

I’ve never been attracted to men of a certain class either.

I just wanted to use these lovely pictures which have no direct relation to the post

Spirited Bodies is proud to be part of The Sex Maniacs Ball in September, which is a fundraising event for The Outsiders Trust to enable disabled people to meet partners and celebrate their sexuality. There may be a life modelling workshop, as well as a nude disco along with various other nude activities and therapies.