women

Taking Time For Ourselves

At the first meditation meeting of the Women on Fire, most of us were tentative about speaking up, coming forward. Judith had some salient advice; many of us, whether by nature or nurture who knows, feel drawn to helping others a great deal. All too often to the detriment of looking after ourselves. I don’t know if this message came to Judith from spirit, as they say in shamanic circles, or if she just felt it intuitively. I felt its resonance.

I am not sure if people around me in my life would especially notice whether I take enough time for myself. Not having children, other dependents or a regular full time job means I am more likely to be taking time for me. The way I reflect on Judith’s advice, is to consider more, how many years I have given over to trying to nourish the impossible. In other words, relationships with men which were mighty troublesome.

I am so happy and grateful to be in more favourable circumstance now. It has perhaps been in trying to establish where my priorities lie in friendship that I may have felt myself spreading a little thin. It is needs part of the process of finding out how different friendships fit.

The regular meetings with the writers workshop in the theatre are already providing valuable structure. I have to present an idea, pitch a project and I am unused to doing this in such a group. Whether I come up with the right project or not, I know I won’t be satisfied unless I have given myself the appropriate amount of quiet and private time in order to realise whatever ideas I may.

At the Women on Fire meeting I tell them I am there because I want to root myself more, so that I may build my work more effectively. I am in good company.

Fire Power

Judith Seelig invites us womenfolk to join hip to hip and connect with the Earth in a circle. Breathing is deep, focused and poured out with sound; the song of the fire from deep down and within.

The Women on Fire recognize a stronger position for women ahead, and are about empowering women to become important decision makers, because too few have that power now. This imbalance is their, our cause.

We are asked to give voice to our projects which we would like to be energetically underwritten by the strength of the group. I know that Spirited Bodies belongs in their camp, although still I am tentative to take up air time – they aim to reach a wide audience, cross-cultural, and the nudity I espouse may be jarring for some, so I will bide my time. Also, it is important that I let the work speak for itself; it is not about me but for other women.

So uniquely silence is felt and tasted among those women. We are listening to each other and our environment, not only words but spaces inbetween as well.

At their launching celebration in April, a wide range of inspirational women spoke. Nigerian political activist Hafsat Abiola-Costello, Polly Higgins the lawyer pushing for the crime of ecocide to be the 5th law against peace (so far only crimes against people are included), Kids Company director Camila Batmanghelidjh; scientists, artists, many types of activists and a shaman.

I look forward to getting to know Women on Fire more.

For All the Men (& Women) I Want to Roll around with

Slow burning anger fades, calm of breezy sunshine

Like a hot weight in my forehead, yesterday it felt

She had not done anything wrong really,

Just years of ancient pain arising

A healthy feeling pushes me forwards, guides me to my goals

image from Spirited Bodies

Anita & Steve

Wench

Erik & Wench

I want to roll around with you

If you never had a crush on me, now’s your chance

What Drives me towards my Goals, & the Healing Hands of Alessandra Malaspinal

My nigh on 5 month relationship with my boyfriend has allowed me to uncover many depths. It is his strong connection with my formative years that has fast-tracked our lurve and understanding. He seems to possess qualities which enable me to heal and flourish, and somehow I am filling in some sorely missed gaps for him too.

The other day, I realised I had spent too much time at his place, in his neighbourhood, which does necessarily bring back a few memories for me. I got angry and regretted it afterwards, but what I had spewed up did reveal to me so clearly what drives me.

He has unique capabilities in maintaining strong, solid friendships with some significant exes, and just all round good relations with several women in his life. He overall prefers the company of women, expressing the unlikely line that ‘they make more sense’! What I observe is that they trust him, don’t feel remotely inappropriately bothered by him. They can talk to him the way they might another woman, only any competitiveness is ruled out. Similar to the way gay men often make excellent female company.

Sometimes I find this state of affairs testing, though I also know that I may reap the best benefits from it. It can feel like they may have a tighter hold on him, rousing my jealousy, though it’s not the case. More that I am still a bit unused to this dynamic, and to sharing him thus. I am aware that he is protected, loved, by several women who adore him; what a way to keep me in line!

My own history of being far too involved with one man in my life and not having enough time for friends, is thrown into sharp relief. I want to open up now to have more close friends, and for the first time in a long time, to bring my friends towards knowing each other.

So what I realised when I had a recent outburst, is I had left a group of old friends over a decade ago, because I hadn’t been able to process and talk about my negative experiences with anyone around, save the man in my life at the time. What was troubling me inside I did not feel I could share with any of the other mates, where light-hearted banter was the norm. At least, I did not find the right outlet with anyone else, so my boyfriend bore the brunt. When that relationship ended, I had no emotional means to maintain active friendships within the group. I found a new boyfriend, and migrated socially, in a way repeating the same experience. This migration pattern occurred twice; each new relationship lasting around 5 years. By the end I was quite lonely, yet recently through Spirited Bodies I gained confidence, and felt ready to get back in touch with some old friends of my youth. Indeed, an astrological reading from over a year before had mentioned that I needed to ‘find’ my friendship group, as I was far too lonely! I had knocked on a few doors I suppose, but nothing felt right until I went back to the old ones. That is to say that completing a circular journey which brought me home to old friends, has also allowed newer friendships to acquire more grounded substance.

With my boyfriend now, I was jealous, of other women who took his and other platonic friendship for granted, which I struggle with. I bitched that they hadn’t been there for me all those years ago. It’s irrelevant now. How many friends was I not there for when I was too young to know any better? What does make sense is that my relative loneliness drove me forwards to create something new, as well as to reach out to others in a gesture of inclusivity. When I heard a friend complaining of a woman she did not like, who some years ago had been violent towards her and is part of a larger group of friends, in fact accepted by some of her friends, I found myself wanting to give the woman a chance – never having met her I could not judge her. Who knew why she had been in the bad place my friend had had the mischance to encounter? Particularly women I want to be ready to listen to. This woman may not be as privileged as some of the female friends that my friend is accustomed to. Privilege here refers not only to wealth, but also access to loving support.

What the above does omit is all sorts of other reasons I wandered into a wilderness; like needing a new lifestyle, and the recognition that slowly I would be harmonising relations with my biological family, and that that would have to happen before I could sort anything else out. I am far from alone in taking a meandering path. What drives me comes from earlier origins too, naturally.

Loving the Long-term Relationship

This propensity towards the long-term relationship just seems to attract more of the same. Despite all sorts of unfavourable conditions, I see now how the LTR has stood me in good stead. I have a nose for them; my support networks have not before been set up to cope with the single life. I work to redress that imbalance now, not in order to be single, but so that my relationship may last longer and grow richer.

Hardwired in me is a 7th sense for a sustained, engaging and emotional relationship. I don’t even think about it – my body tells me where to go. I volunteered to pose naked for my present boyfriend before I even knew why! My mind created other motives which weren’t without content… then I stopped eating and sleeping a while… girlfriends warned me at first fearing some danger, then later when my concentration failed to return from the ether, they told me to go to him.

Once the connection has been established, I am confident – even after a honeymoon may have dipped, that I can work through whatever I have to so that love builds, a snowball gathering momentum! Of course finding the right man to do that with is what keeps this blessing buzzing.

an advertising agency pays for its employees to learn to draw

A friend who took part in Spirited Bodies 2, Julia, brought a friend with her.  Alessandra took well to modelling and found it liberating as a woman approaching middle age. It brought out some of her natural vivaciousness and she did excel. Sadly the reality is that a woman her age is less likely to be booked than me, I mean she would likely have to go the extra mile to promote herself. Unless you are blessed with some unique physical feature, more averagely shaped women are less likely to get work as they age. I have learnt this through the SB project, and now hold off informing would-be models that work is guaranteed. I am a slim, bendy physical theatre performer who can stand on one leg for 15 minutes. Being in my mid 30s is not a problem. It might be for another woman.

Thankfully Alessandra has many talents, and one she is developing is the skill of transmitting energy to others by healing with reiki. Since meeting each other she has been practising on me, and on occasion I have taken the opportunity to draw her. It has been a fantastic way to get to know her. While I lie down, eyes closed, she holds hands above me, or sometimes lightly touching my skin. I feel warm, tingly sensations and relish a chance to concentrate on breathing. I let go of tension and appreciate her time immensely.

Bella Ragazza

Letting you show me how to Live

You know how women are to be loved

I love you for showing this

You unlock my secrets and my pain

And I know you can mend me too

You give me a strength to nurture growth

I wish all sweetness upon you

I trust you when I am anxious and when I am sad

That your friends would turn to you

Always and again, especially women

Know that they are safe with you

If they have been with you and loved you intimately

Or been very close to you

They know you will put your arms around them

Soothe their worries and their tears

With your Bear warmth

One on One

One on one I hear you behind me.

Primal painting, panting, heaving, exaggerating, intensifying.

It does sound like you are having sex, sometimes attacking the canvas, angrily.

I can find it amusing once. But I won’t come back.

One on one with a man. You have to be very special to make that work.

He may be married, but really I am ‘the girlfriend experience’. I am a ghost of women he used to flirt with, date. But I won’t play. It doesn’t work for me energetically. It’s not why I’m an artist’s model.

Even if it’s a class; I prefer a woman leading. Very few men can approach this entirely professionally, so in the end you have to find them charming, otherwise it is obstructive. They give away what they think of you, how they find you, in subtle nuance. Like all interaction I suppose. But when you are naked, you can tell if they objectify you.

Sometimes I consciously acknowledge this with artists, so put myself at ease.

Another time – in a group of male and female older artists – where I know the men are in charge… I can’t help but do poses opposed to their girlish view of me. To fit the mould would be too cute.

Re-Modelling the Past

Getting my kit off for the first time to model, was not actually the first time for me. As a teenager I worked as a stripper amongst other more dubious professions in the sex industry. It’s hard for me to relate to many women’s anxieties of weight or other physical issues; due to my background however, I’ve certainly had self esteem problems connected with my actions and society’s judgement. Loads of women dip into the sex industry to support themselves so it ought to be less taboo.

 

Trying life modelling was a revelation as it was like reclaiming my nudity in a more positive, less pressurized setting. Staying still is a challenge, but being left to your own thoughts is a far cry from performing sex acts in a dingy Soho backroom.

I came to relish the basically innocent and positive appreciation one gets from being a life model. It is not devoid of sexual undertones but these are muted and quite under control.

 

I was just in my 30s when I started life modelling so there had been a good decade since my earlier escapades. I hadn’t realised how I had become inhibited about my body, but after modelling a while I did feel more vibrant and attractive. When you are in long-term relationships or not in any at all, you can forget the thrill of being found exciting and gorgeous; so being admired in some sense by artists may restore that.

 

On a fundamental energetic level, simply having all those artists’ attention on you for several hours can give you a boost, like they are filling you with energy. As they get immersed in their painting it’s like they fall in love with natural beauty of the body and at this point it doesn’t matter what you look like. I know this apart from what they say, from having tried life drawing myself. When you see the model in a pose in which you discover beauty, the pleasure you elicit from finding a way to capture that on paper is enormous, and you feel such gratitude towards the model. Further, without knowing the model or anything about them, you can share quite an intimate moment.

The beauty of a pose may be derived from nothing conventional, but simply consist of body shapes and the way light falls and illuminates.

 

Falling in Love

As I walk up from the main road, my breath quickens and my eyes dance over each house, acknowledging splendour that puts a skip in my glide – I have moved to a beautiful place. The hill steepens and the buildings accelerate as they exhilarate; I feel like I am in love, but it’s not with a person, just with my flat.

We models are getting to know each other more and more; online communication has freed us from isolation. I find myself thinking about the types we fall into. There are others like me, used to getting by on charm, an alluring accent and sex appeal. Modelling was a natural career choice if this is how one is formed. Others may be quite an alternative, booked more for their unusual physicality, at least uncommon in modelling. Their confidence in being large or older gives them an edge on the rest of us, though there may always be some artists they never work with. There are the famous images we are familar with by Saville and Freud, but beyond that a new realm of fashion is yet to be reopened.

On Friday night at 5 Rhythms Full Moon Women’s Dance, I bonded uniquely with women I’d never met before. This was a truly magical experience, healing, loving, uplifting… I came away on such a natural high I’d forgotten how that feels.  If I am aiming for an experience to give to women through Spirited Bodies, than I would like it to be along side that one.  It is a different phenomenon, but the 2 could easily feed into one another in this world which is bringing more and more women forward to soar and fly as the powerful spirits we are.