I remember the streets from when Chris used to live here, and I was 18. A life time ago and the emotions flood back like it was yesterday – the power of place. Days/nights we would stay up sticking needles in our arms, procuring substances from the other side of town, late night motorbike rides and 24 hour chemists for junkies. A different me.
It’s a warm fuzzy feeling in my heart, a physical sensation and almost a tear as I hold the pose so perfectly for local artists in Kingsgate Studios. I still feel so much love for him. I’ll never share moments like that again. I was so young, really a child dressed as and in fact a whore! So selfish and stupid; sometimes he wouldn’t let me sleep for pushing me to try thinking a bit more.
He is I realise a benchmark for all subsequent boyfriends. There comes a point in each new relationship when I find myself asking if I love my partner as much as I still love Chris. I mean as a person. They rarely match up and it has been the crux of more than one break up. I don’t want to be with Chris, I find him very annoying, but at the core of him there is something that my DNA responds to. He is like family, and by some quirk of fate he is my Dad’s technical support for his computer. My parents who rejected Chris and screamed him out of their house, now get to see him in grown up (!) form and wonder why they behaved so badly.
This strong dose of nostalgia confronts me as I pose and reminds me of the power of that love even if I hardly see him now. There’s nothing like it, and it is empowering.
Here are some of my fairly basic drawings from workshops for Spirited Bodies, and one from ‘Still Life’ (see previous post).