Truth

Speaking my Truth & getting to the Root

I decided to move over to Substack, as it’s a platform where subscribers may pay for content, which feels very hopeful. Back in 2011 I began blogging on WordPress, and I will also continue here as it’s where my websites are. Sometimes however, if I write something more in depth, it may only appear on Substack. It may take a while to find my subscribers there, let’s see. This is the first post which appears on both platforms, while I get used to the new system. I get the impression one benefits from putting time in to following others there, like any platform. If that doesn’t suit me so well, I will be all the more glad to have this site.

One of my paintings, in water colour, charcoal, pastel and menstrual blood. Abstract depicting layers of form, like a cross-section of another planet’s substance and atmosphere.

At this current time, I am about to have some root canal surgery on one of my teeth for the first time in my life, as well as some more ordinary dental procedure. Having learnt about the (vedic) chakra energy system in our bodies, I am aware that this work in my mouth relates to my 5th chakra. That is an energetic vortex in my throat, not visible physically (to most people), yet sensed subtly by sensitive people. It is a different layer to our being, superimposed on the physical form and interacting with it, part of it. Not something I was brought up to know about, but I can now feel and work with my chakras. They are part of our health, and in other cultures around the world as well as increasingly normalised locally, people use them consciously as part of healing their bodies (and minds, spirits) when unwell. Western medicine rarely acknowledges them, though I have heard of energy healing happening in some hospitals, and a machine which balances chakras being used in Hong Kong. More usually crystals, tuning forks or simply meditation may be used. Chakras are the gateways where subtle energy moves in and out of our physical form. They also correspond to different layers of energy surrounding us making up our auras.

Energy healing aside, I require some extensive dental treatment, and no amount of wishful thinking seems to be able to avoid it (I did hold off for about a year as I couldn’t feel yet what the dentist warned me of). Teeth being bone, they are also connected with the Root chakra, which is located at the base of one’s spine. Themes of the Root include feeling safe, and our relationship with our family of origin.

The 5th chakra is about speaking one’s truth, and finding one’s voice. It’s a very powerful vortex, since speaking our thoughts makes them more real, allows them to connect more tangibly with others; enables us to be heard. It is a significant part of how we manifest our reality, energetically speaking. Obviously speaking truth doesn’t necessarily occur when we talk, but that is the highest expression of the energy. If I am to heal my infected tooth on all levels, then I am also paying attention to how I communicate; how I get on with my family, as well as being open to receiving the surgery.

In recent posts I have mentioned money; potentially needing it; my relationship with it; how I feel about it. Well, when I first visited this new dentist I picked up on a magnetic vibration she carried. The prices she charges for her specialist work put her on a different level to my usual dentist, who often treats NHS patients, and doesn’t have such particular equipment. She exuded a higher level of confidence too, although I would say my normal dentist is incredibly proficient and I have a very high regard for her. I think it was something to do with the specialised service she provides, and where she is situated attracting wealthier clients. It is work which requires tremendous precision, and while she probably doesn’t frame the way she deals with clients in new age energy terms, she must become very talented at reading people so that she knows how to communicate with them according to their needs. My sense was that she is very good at this, at least from my own experience with her. She also has an arrangement with my dentist to receive referrals like me, so not all the patients entering her surgery are quite so full of money.

The way she connected with me made me feel like I mattered, and I felt quickly that I trusted her, which is quite special for an expensive dentist to do. Although the bill was going to be higher than most things I pay for, I felt good about her personally and spending that money on her service. She inspired me; she made me want to be more like her; and that’s worth paying for! It’s not the first time I have noticed the power of larger sums of money to make me think and behave differently. The way they affect you – whether you earn them or pay them. It’s both the money, and her brilliance at her job, and the two are of course linked. They make a form of success! Her energy sings of how she values herself highly, and that is so attractive.

Following on from my last post about communist/anti-apartheid ancestors, and I can’t help but notice a link with an anti-capitalist sensibility running strong in my lineage, and a lack of resources. That isn’t manifest in my whole family at all, but as I said, I do particularly – more than most – relate to those ancestors. Perhaps their beliefs need to be addressed in me. Like unpicking the layers of their beliefs, because some of them were very positive, ahead of their time, and also included being amazing at what they did. Yet a strand that thought making money is selfish, or we should always think of the collective before our own needs, does benefit from being challenged when it becomes detrimental. I could be exhibiting part of a lower expression of their energy, when really I want to aim for the highest. I may have inculcated a worship of supporting (and even identifying as) the vulnerable; not exalting the successful so much, and I think that’s actually very prevalent in parts of our society and you don’t need my ancestors to get caught in it.

Transforming my energy around wealth would make me very happy. For sure I am moving in the right direction with it, and my next step will be to learn how to generate more of it myself. To become more self-sufficient or abundantly provided for. Wealth and resources come in different forms, not just sums of money, and in some regards I feel very abundant already in highly positive rewarding ways which I am really grateful for. Be it in friendships, my love of my own company, my quality of life, how often happy and positive I feel, enjoying my work, my love of nature and cold water swimming, and being in my body as well as meditating.

Some of these things people would spend enormous amounts of money trying to achieve, and I just have them naturally. To be fair I have worked hard at creating them as they presently are in my life; it wasn’t always thus. I would also love to be able to pay for my life without being supported by the state or anyone else. I believe it is more than possible, it’s just been taking me a while to turn that aspect around. I don’t think it’s wrong to be supported by others, and I know I give back in many ways. It would however feel empowering to know I had more choice say, if I could buy my own home. Yet I am aware too, some of that impulse is illusory. The home I have now suits me very well indeed and in fact owning it or not means very little to me. As I have also mentioned, I am not that drawn to materialism; regardless of ancestors, I think it’s part of my nature. That inner aspect of me may well be delightfully comfortable as I am.

When it comes to manifesting a new reality, there is a balance between imagining the feeling of having what we desire, and being happy where we already are. If we express desperation, or dissatisfaction, we will surely repel what we crave, and only invite more of what we don’t want. This is the law of energy. Tending to our evolution with mindful purpose can take practice. Even if I am not that motivated by money itself, and basically have everything I need; what does fire me up is evolving my talents and using my gifts and abilities to their highest purpose. In my pursuit of that end – of becoming the highest expression of myself in this lifetime – I may well attract more income and the resources to achieve it. It is an evolutionary momentum which universal energies will support.

My ancestors pertain to my family of origin, so they are part of this mouth healing exercise as well as the living. An infection found its way into my tooth and over time ate away at the healthy pulp inside the root. After it did this, it wanted to infect the rest of my body, but my body is strong and clever and put a stop to this by creating a bubble to contain the unhealthy fluid spilling out of the root. A small swelling appeared on my gum which houses the bubble. This is what the dentist needs to treat, to try to save the dead tooth from needing to be extracted. There are healthy teeth in my mouth, one dead one and another needs repairing. Like family members perhaps! Some are easier to access and communicate with. The infection would represent whatever lower vibrational tendencies present in family patterning. Writing the blog to express myself is tied up in the equation. At some point I would like to do some singing again, as that definitely is 5th chakra energy and brings me great joy. Preparing a performance, as I always seem to be these days, is a way of working with that energy too.

Shadows & Light; photograms, rope bondage and mentoring girls

Yesterday I was asked to mentor teenage girls about body image in a pod on the London Eye on International Day of the Girl (October 11th which is also my Mother’s birthday). Today I told teenage girls who were continually whispering in the 6th form class I was modelling for, to shut up. I could not discern their words but there was a constant low level conversation in their huddle, and when I was looking their way I was not imagining the cheeky ‘OMG she’s looking at us’ looks directed at me. 3 poses into this nonsense I thought of saying something. I had a few ideas in my head but knew that whetever came out would be more effective unrehearsed. It needed to come from my heart in the moment. As I changed pose I glanced their way decrying “It would be better if you shut up.” Then realising that might have sounded unduly strong – I am more than twice their age and also about 10 years older than the teacher, I added, “I mean I can hear that you are whispering, and it IS off-putting.” I was calm and I’d said what I needed to say, what a relief! I automatically assumed the next pose facing another direction (I was in the round) and where I had been counting 300 seconds (5 minutes) for each pose in my head, I now just let time be. I felt myself turn a little pink at the surprise of my outspokenness, crossing an unspoken line in terms of my position in relation to the teacher (who was turned away at a computer on the other side of the room) and the class, then returned to my usual shade and gathered a growing smile on my chops. I had taken control just for a minute and the dynamic of the class had shifted. Now there was silence; and a sense of it being possible for anything to happen now. No one knew what would happen next. Well of course it was pretty straight forward; tension had been released and I had more smiles than before. Reminded of the time I told patrons at The National Theatre who were rude to me when trying to buy a programme from me (I worked front of house), to fuck off, got a warning from the manager, left early and had a fantastic evening at an art event I would otherwise have missed, I remembered that sometimes my anger pushes me forward. It’s good to cross lines to maintain strength, make a point. It’s worth risking your poorly paid job to stand up for truth and self-expression, being real and not waiting for someone else to champion your cause.

I will add here that the tutor here had been very supportive and given me such a fantastic introduction to the class as she raved about Spirited Bodies. I certainly felt welcomed (my first time there) and trusted, and in good hands. Dealing with the pair of girls was an isolated, individual case and everything else was fine. I even got a round of applaus at the end of the session; I wonder if I will be booked again.

On the same day that I received an email asking me to mentor teenage girls on the London Eye, earlier in the morning I had been going through old papers and found this section of diary from a few years ago that drew my attention: –

“It’s such a shame I think, that I haven’t known really, what I want to do, since those crucial years as a teenager. It’s as if someone took all the aspirations I had been having, and said, ‘Whoa! You’re not going anywhere with those! Forget that shit, and get some real experience…’

And I bought it, and all the little packets of speed I could get my hands on.

I look back and sometimes wish better guidance had been available to me. There was a sense from within me that I really wanted to go off the rails, to shock, lose control, and completely change from the girl I’d been. Any obviously sensible advice would have been most likely unheeded. It would have taken a very special person to penetrate my closed-in, bent-on-being-fucked-up world. Someone who’d been through something similar, but already come out the other end.

And I could have done with someone being really tough on me, hardline about certain issues, to give me a sense of discipline, and where it was that I was Really fucking up. But for me to accept that, that woman would have to have known what she was talking about. And be kind. I needed all that…….

A little gentle guidance would have been so good. Like, ‘Yeah try those needles, undeniably fun that injecting… but don’t let it take over! And don’t lose sight of artistic interests and your education…..’

She would have told me which things I was doing to make money that really fuck with your head; to live on less, and not worry about pleasing men who expect you to look, act and fuck a certain way….

I hear her voice, ‘Keep reading, watching, alert for what’s going on out there. It’s easy to get lost in that enclosed world, but there’s so much more going on which will be much more important later. Be informed and find your creative path.’

Nothing like learning the hard way.”

It’s a funny idea I have of some sassy role model having words with my troubled youth. Not realistic. The whole point is that you have to find out on your own. Anyway; where would all the fun be if someone had told me what not to do? Events become stories you remember for years after because at the actual time of them happening, you really didn’t have a clue what was going on. Yet I do recall yearning at particular moments of apparent darkness for some female guidance.

Here are pictures from a photogram session which involves holding bizarre poses in a dark room on giant photographic paper whilst coloured lights are flashed from above.

I had to get used to working in the dark with artist Andrew Chisholm which I found very meditative. It was like a ritual, each of my movements in coordination with his procedure and that of a technical assistant, giving each other signals that a phase was complete so the next could begin.

Extremely light sensitive paper had to be wrapped and unwrapped in darkness, deposited in a giant processing machine. It was quite amazing and magical as we waited for the result to see if how we had planned the image had transpired.

This was a novel way to engage in nude art and could appeal to those preferring total anonymity, though I am not sure a shadow is necessarily that. It is a fairly expensive procedure but if you are interested contact Andrew. Some of his photograms will be in an exhibition starting this Friday at Candid Arts in Angel, London.

Yesterday I was grateful for a more spiritual experience when modelling. This was for a friend Jon who organises the annual Festival of the Art of Japanese Rope Bondage. Dressed in a partly transparent kimono I allowed Jon (Nawashi Murakawa) to tie the intricate knots around me and suspend me from bamboo sticks hanging from the ceiling. An eerie haunting Japanese music accompanied together with Vera Bremerton doing live vocals. The stage was set up in Japanese decoration; a painted backdrop and various paraphernalia; sticks, cloths, hats and the twiney ropes. First I watched Jon arrange Maya into poses as she submitted, I could see she was in trance and so it was after for me. The atmosphere here was very supportive of my whole being, the room full of enthusiasts, people doing knotting themselves at the other end. I felt the love and gave Jon my trust. I experienced how this art allows the model to express sexuality without being overtly sexual. Parts of me were exposed at times which may have been more erotic for me being partially covered. But I was just hanging there, contorted in ways I could not normally manage. There was pain, tingles and numbness but I am used to that. I gave in to the new variation of sensations, the rope digging in cutting off different parts of me in isolation, and enjoyed performing to a drawing audience.

I wore a hat with ears first

by Brett who added remembered text

by Jon, after he had suspended me

On October 11th Thelma and I will be spinning slowly in The London Eye around breakfast time with women role models from a variety of backgrounds including ‘policewomen, artists, lawyers, conductors, painters and decorators, athletes and business women.’ We will be speed-mentoring teenage girls about body image and related matters, this is organised by Southbank Centre, Women of the World (WOW) of which we were a part this year and have attended every year since it began (2011).

Esther Bunting

Esther Bunting

Truth

Speaking my Truth & getting to the Root

Shadows & Light; photograms, rope bondage and mentoring girls