There was something about him as we were chopping up the vegetables, so gentle, a tenderness in his eyes and in the corner of his smile. I felt comfortable. He was cheeky too, in the subtlest of ways, as I could tell he did not want to offend me.
When we sat down to dinner I talked about my work and my project. About being a nude model and for some reason how other people see this. He asked if other people judged me for what I do, and I replied that everyone in my life had gotten used to what I do, though there were surely some more distant family members who looked down on it, but I hardly saw them. I don’t think they look down because of the nudity come to think of it, rather the low status and low pay, the insecurity it bodes for my future.
It was the most probing thing he said, maybe in his tone, and I probably enjoyed revealing a little more of myself. Most of all I liked that he wanted to know. He seemed interested in the right way.
I feel a current streaking through me, and I am not sure if it is anger any more. It feels more like vitality, energy, a healthy desire to move things, move myself forwards. I think it is the drive of my surging genes, coming into focus as I hit the ground stumbling at first, yet quickly picking myself up, brushing the dust off and launching straight for the next goal – I am in my mid 30s and there is no sign of a baby; I have successfully maintained black sheep status since puberty in my left-of-centre middle class with the most righteous of roots family – THERE IS SO MUCH TO DO! And I feel like a warrior woman with some comic turns!