dentist

Speaking my Truth & getting to the Root

I decided to move over to Substack, as it’s a platform where subscribers may pay for content, which feels very hopeful. Back in 2011 I began blogging on WordPress, and I will also continue here as it’s where my websites are. Sometimes however, if I write something more in depth, it may only appear on Substack. It may take a while to find my subscribers there, let’s see. This is the first post which appears on both platforms, while I get used to the new system. I get the impression one benefits from putting time in to following others there, like any platform. If that doesn’t suit me so well, I will be all the more glad to have this site.

One of my paintings, in water colour, charcoal, pastel and menstrual blood. Abstract depicting layers of form, like a cross-section of another planet’s substance and atmosphere.

At this current time, I am about to have some root canal surgery on one of my teeth for the first time in my life, as well as some more ordinary dental procedure. Having learnt about the (vedic) chakra energy system in our bodies, I am aware that this work in my mouth relates to my 5th chakra. That is an energetic vortex in my throat, not visible physically (to most people), yet sensed subtly by sensitive people. It is a different layer to our being, superimposed on the physical form and interacting with it, part of it. Not something I was brought up to know about, but I can now feel and work with my chakras. They are part of our health, and in other cultures around the world as well as increasingly normalised locally, people use them consciously as part of healing their bodies (and minds, spirits) when unwell. Western medicine rarely acknowledges them, though I have heard of energy healing happening in some hospitals, and a machine which balances chakras being used in Hong Kong. More usually crystals, tuning forks or simply meditation may be used. Chakras are the gateways where subtle energy moves in and out of our physical form. They also correspond to different layers of energy surrounding us making up our auras.

Energy healing aside, I require some extensive dental treatment, and no amount of wishful thinking seems to be able to avoid it (I did hold off for about a year as I couldn’t feel yet what the dentist warned me of). Teeth being bone, they are also connected with the Root chakra, which is located at the base of one’s spine. Themes of the Root include feeling safe, and our relationship with our family of origin.

The 5th chakra is about speaking one’s truth, and finding one’s voice. It’s a very powerful vortex, since speaking our thoughts makes them more real, allows them to connect more tangibly with others; enables us to be heard. It is a significant part of how we manifest our reality, energetically speaking. Obviously speaking truth doesn’t necessarily occur when we talk, but that is the highest expression of the energy. If I am to heal my infected tooth on all levels, then I am also paying attention to how I communicate; how I get on with my family, as well as being open to receiving the surgery.

In recent posts I have mentioned money; potentially needing it; my relationship with it; how I feel about it. Well, when I first visited this new dentist I picked up on a magnetic vibration she carried. The prices she charges for her specialist work put her on a different level to my usual dentist, who often treats NHS patients, and doesn’t have such particular equipment. She exuded a higher level of confidence too, although I would say my normal dentist is incredibly proficient and I have a very high regard for her. I think it was something to do with the specialised service she provides, and where she is situated attracting wealthier clients. It is work which requires tremendous precision, and while she probably doesn’t frame the way she deals with clients in new age energy terms, she must become very talented at reading people so that she knows how to communicate with them according to their needs. My sense was that she is very good at this, at least from my own experience with her. She also has an arrangement with my dentist to receive referrals like me, so not all the patients entering her surgery are quite so full of money.

The way she connected with me made me feel like I mattered, and I felt quickly that I trusted her, which is quite special for an expensive dentist to do. Although the bill was going to be higher than most things I pay for, I felt good about her personally and spending that money on her service. She inspired me; she made me want to be more like her; and that’s worth paying for! It’s not the first time I have noticed the power of larger sums of money to make me think and behave differently. The way they affect you – whether you earn them or pay them. It’s both the money, and her brilliance at her job, and the two are of course linked. They make a form of success! Her energy sings of how she values herself highly, and that is so attractive.

Following on from my last post about communist/anti-apartheid ancestors, and I can’t help but notice a link with an anti-capitalist sensibility running strong in my lineage, and a lack of resources. That isn’t manifest in my whole family at all, but as I said, I do particularly – more than most – relate to those ancestors. Perhaps their beliefs need to be addressed in me. Like unpicking the layers of their beliefs, because some of them were very positive, ahead of their time, and also included being amazing at what they did. Yet a strand that thought making money is selfish, or we should always think of the collective before our own needs, does benefit from being challenged when it becomes detrimental. I could be exhibiting part of a lower expression of their energy, when really I want to aim for the highest. I may have inculcated a worship of supporting (and even identifying as) the vulnerable; not exalting the successful so much, and I think that’s actually very prevalent in parts of our society and you don’t need my ancestors to get caught in it.

Transforming my energy around wealth would make me very happy. For sure I am moving in the right direction with it, and my next step will be to learn how to generate more of it myself. To become more self-sufficient or abundantly provided for. Wealth and resources come in different forms, not just sums of money, and in some regards I feel very abundant already in highly positive rewarding ways which I am really grateful for. Be it in friendships, my love of my own company, my quality of life, how often happy and positive I feel, enjoying my work, my love of nature and cold water swimming, and being in my body as well as meditating.

Some of these things people would spend enormous amounts of money trying to achieve, and I just have them naturally. To be fair I have worked hard at creating them as they presently are in my life; it wasn’t always thus. I would also love to be able to pay for my life without being supported by the state or anyone else. I believe it is more than possible, it’s just been taking me a while to turn that aspect around. I don’t think it’s wrong to be supported by others, and I know I give back in many ways. It would however feel empowering to know I had more choice say, if I could buy my own home. Yet I am aware too, some of that impulse is illusory. The home I have now suits me very well indeed and in fact owning it or not means very little to me. As I have also mentioned, I am not that drawn to materialism; regardless of ancestors, I think it’s part of my nature. That inner aspect of me may well be delightfully comfortable as I am.

When it comes to manifesting a new reality, there is a balance between imagining the feeling of having what we desire, and being happy where we already are. If we express desperation, or dissatisfaction, we will surely repel what we crave, and only invite more of what we don’t want. This is the law of energy. Tending to our evolution with mindful purpose can take practice. Even if I am not that motivated by money itself, and basically have everything I need; what does fire me up is evolving my talents and using my gifts and abilities to their highest purpose. In my pursuit of that end – of becoming the highest expression of myself in this lifetime – I may well attract more income and the resources to achieve it. It is an evolutionary momentum which universal energies will support.

My ancestors pertain to my family of origin, so they are part of this mouth healing exercise as well as the living. An infection found its way into my tooth and over time ate away at the healthy pulp inside the root. After it did this, it wanted to infect the rest of my body, but my body is strong and clever and put a stop to this by creating a bubble to contain the unhealthy fluid spilling out of the root. A small swelling appeared on my gum which houses the bubble. This is what the dentist needs to treat, to try to save the dead tooth from needing to be extracted. There are healthy teeth in my mouth, one dead one and another needs repairing. Like family members perhaps! Some are easier to access and communicate with. The infection would represent whatever lower vibrational tendencies present in family patterning. Writing the blog to express myself is tied up in the equation. At some point I would like to do some singing again, as that definitely is 5th chakra energy and brings me great joy. Preparing a performance, as I always seem to be these days, is a way of working with that energy too.

change of tempo

An artist painting a scene at Clissold Park, north London.

From Dad’s home on the northern fringe of Muswell Hill, I cycle the sunny morning up and down through Turnpike Lane and along to Clissold Park, stop for an energy shot guarana coffee. Slide down to Dalston, get lost on a wrong turn to Victoria Park, open Google maps, eventually find my bearings roundabout to Mile End; Limehouse, and the minutiae of back streets and alleys, bridges and footways that lead to my dentist in Canary Wharf. It’s my first time there – my usual dentist has referred me to a private specialist, since the NHS nor even she privately has the necessary equipment for the job. Apparently I am at my destination but I can’t see it – no sign. I began panicking a good half hour earlier when the map was messing me around, sending me on wild goose chases, unnecessary side routes when the main road would have been fine and so much more direct. I think, AI could do a better job and I welcome that. I felt my cortisol level rising as I shifted from calm pleasure on my ride, to anxious nervousness, noticing how that made it harder to read the map or any useful information around me. I wondered if that was because of how expensive the consultation was, and difficult to get a slot, or because I don’t like being late for anything. Both. I’d actually left plenty of time so it felt punishing and I actually shed a tear.

Still, it was fine when I arrived. After I parked the bike, I noticed a small sign for a dentist. No name of the company, just dentist; so I called there. It was them! I’d thought I was 15 minutes late to a half hour appointment but it turned out she was running late, and all was fine.

She was very thorough and clear in her explanation of the predicament of my root. She spoke fast and showed me diagrams. She had a kind manner and I trusted her, but the treatment would cost about double what I had expected, plus she recommended that I get something else done by my dentist. I knew I must follow what she says, but the cost was going to be considerable, and I would notice it.

Now I think, how apt to be nodded toward this event so anxiously, when it will in fact set me back noticeably. A nudge that this will force me to do things differently perhaps. When I try to choose a payment plan for the dental bill, the system won’t let me, because I don’t earn enough money. The injustice that the poorest who need it, can’t access it. It must be a single big chunk or not at all. I wonder if I should ask my ex, or Dad to help, but neither seem like good options. It’s probably time I just bit it. It makes me want to cry. Self pity? Maybe. It’ll pass and I know it’s also good because it urges me to work harder, make more money, be more mindful. Understand the value of things.

Why have I been so blind to this coming? The bill is teaching me about money; to value it; to create it. And about following my guides. Sometimes I wait too long and they spend years trying to push a message across. I could become much swifter in my response.

Cycling back I decided to drop into my dentist on the other side of the water, so for the first time, I took the ferry. Funnily enough I remembered at the beginning of the year hearing a message from my guides telling me to imagine I was very rich. I knew why – because that would help attract more resources, but I perhaps hadn’t followed the advice enough. They knew I was going to need more money than usual this year, and I wouldn’t have a partner who could help. A few weeks later I bought flights, transport and accommodation for a long trip to America. Now this. I have already increased the amount I am working, and that must continue!

The view after crossing the Thames, looking back at Canary Wharf.

Later in the day at a private view I don’t know who I’m going to see – random people, some artists I know… on a warm evening in Primrose Hill. The surprising thing is I spend most of the time speaking with two people I didn’t know previously. An American guy who wonders about going back to spend time with elderly parents. But the unexpected encounter which colours the rest of my evening is with an artist’s wife, who is an academic. First she speaks about a recent visit to the US, and then I ask if she is South African because of her accent, I mean I know she is. I say my family were; I ask when she moved here, and say mine did in 1963 as they were political (anti-apartheid). A light goes on in her and she asks my surname. I say Bunting and she says she knew Brian and Sonia personally – my great uncle and aunt. Like them, she was a member of the ANC movement and her aunt was their neighbour in Highgate. She attended meetings in their house and knew how dedicated they were. She even knew of my great grandfather, who very few people have heard of now! This was a rare happenstance meeting, sitting on the garden wall outside a gallery.

What strikes me most of all, is that I feel she understands me in a unique way; like a beam shining through me, I feel seen in a way very few people can. She has a deep insight into the way South African exiles in particular processed their situation and has studied it. The way the women often turned to writing, and how well they did this. She has written about this phenomenon and may send me a chapter of one of her books. Not that I am an exile, but it is a latent part of my heritage, and for some reason I connect with it while not all descendants do.

She understands how some of us are intrinsically compelled by our ancestors – their stories ignite us, give us more meaning in our own lives somehow. We need to look back because we see the traces in our lives of why we are where we are, and the trails are curious. When our family before us chose difficult lives – or rather couldn’t help but follow their calling to do what seemed right – because they had powerful beliefs, not just about how they lived but about the whole world or economic social system; they send ripples for generations after. They are often not the best parents because they are so caught up in their beliefs and must live with the consequences like spending time in prison; however they make great ancestors.

Somewhere down the line comes a descendant whose parents were not able to be more present, and she reaches back keenly to feel for messages from the past. It’s like filling in a parenting gap in my sense of purpose. It makes me feel special and it’s part of my identity. It’s not a whimsy; when I read the words they wrote, or were written about them, I feel a bolt of electricity running through me. I feel connected to them, and sense how they knew they were writing or making history not just for their own era, but for a bigger time frame. Writers reach across time, speaking to each other and their readers. When I learnt of how some of my ancestors had such powerful beliefs that it changed their lives as well as contributing to movements towards eradicating racism, undoing colonialism, and lessening the extreme effects of capitalism; it blew my mind!

I’m also deeply concerned with the present; the now; and meditate habitually; try to live in that place. As for the future, I am excited about evolution and spiritual development of humans, and moving beyond physical form. Timelessness intoxicates me. So there are these simultaneous fascinations.

We had begun our discussion about my American communist Grandpa, so she knows I have this extremity from both sides. She looks at me so acutely, and after that I can’t speak to anyone else. I can’t do small talk. I have to leave. I message Brian’s daughter, my Dad’s cousin, on my way home. It’s good to reconnect.

A tree in Clissold Park.