Yesterday was disabling. Unsent angry letters! It worked though because by the end of the day the anger was gone.
Today was melancholy and introspection, treading softly, taking care.
What a difference – I know where I’d rather be. The morning felt delicate, tender; the evening light, beaming.
I really didn’t know how long it would take to diffuse the anger; it was so dominating, it felt like it might stay a while. I think the answer was in allowing it to take over me, not blocking it. It didn’t feel like a choice, but at some other juncture I think it was.
It started with writing rationally, cataloguing. When that was through and sending would obviously not yield constructive results, I moved on to harm wishing. I was consumed by righteous rage and this revealed something profound (to me). Whilst imagining awful accidents befalling the person in question, I reasoned to myself that that is the only way I could imagine them coming to a transformation whereby they may acquire enough humanity that we may get on again.
To clarify: this wasn’t considered or premeditated visualisation. It was in-the-moment-blind-and-going-nowhere rage.
As I reasoned however, I remembered a childhood preoccupation. As a small girl with an angry, unloving Mother; I used to wish she was dead. And I would picture her dead and buried in our garden. I even imagined her rotting bones.
I was not surprised when as a teenager I was told she had gotten a degenerative disease – MS. The thing is now, I associate that condition and disability with my Mum becoming a more decent human being with whom I have a reasonable relationship. Dependence on others changed her outlook, made her humble.
So when I momentarily wish ill on people messing with me now… I ultimately mean them good!
- Anger (buddhasadvice.wordpress.com)
- I Thought This Was Great, So I Copied It (craftythriftydecoratingwifemom.wordpress.com)
- Anger Management: How to Keep Your Temper in Check (everydayhealth.com)
- Working on my anger (nothinginmynoggin.wordpress.com)
- Eliminate Anger with these Five Tips (standupagainstbullyingguy.wordpress.com)
- Finding fury (windowsonemotions.com)