I don’t know where I am going and I feel free. My new book of walks outside of London is my freedom pass, following the instructions, climbing over stiles. I am discovering new beautiful places and there are many. (I modelled for a group of women artist friends at The Slade in early March, and one had copies of this book with her. A friend of hers had written it. I knew I had to get it!)
When I go to places where I know people, often I imagine they read my recent post. Their comments to me suggest this without actually saying so. They offer pieces of help and let me know they are supportive as well as appreciative if I am working with them. It is touching. Last night I dreamt that another tutor I work with offered to make me a flyer for one of my shows. Love it!
The post’s purpose was to shift my vibration externally to match where I am at now internally; to keep people and the world aware of who I really am at this time. By doing this I can magnetise everything I need, in the right time. I don’t need money right away, but at some point I will. The post suggests people will help me, but truly the solutions may emerge in all sorts of ways.
Yesterday I went to Coulsdon South with a friend visiting from Germany, and we walked for a few hours along Farthing Down and in Happy Valley. It’s the largest stretch of open green land technically within London, so you can get there on an Oyster card. We spoke of many things including imagining the lives we’d love to have. In five years time say. I don’t think I know all the details, but I would like to live outside of London, in a countryside setting. That means not needing to get around London too much. I’d like to do gardening, have a reasonably sized dog and take it for walks. Would I still make performances? I think I’d prefer to write for a while. Less is more. I have really scaled back on the number of people I try to keep up with in my life in recent years. I’m not a memorialist in terms of friendship. If a friendship isn’t active and current, serving each of us mutually at this time, I let it go. Not that it couldn’t re-emerge, but that the foundation would need to have shifted in relation to the ways we have changed. So we wouldn’t slip back into the old patterns, whatever they were. I am committed to evolving!
Where I live in south east London is really lovely. It is the perfect place for me in the capital. When I walk around my neighbourhood and see the other people on their walks or in the shops, I feel like I belong here. I like the laidback vibe and the green spaces, as well as the more urban places like Deptford nearby. I can walk to the river at Deptford beach at the bottom of Watergate Street. In the other direction, closer to me, I can walk to the top of the hill at Hilly Fields, or the next hill at Telegraph Hill, and see views of London; the city in one direction, Blythe Hill and Crystal Palace in another. There is cheap fresh fruit and vegetables in Lewisham or Deptford markets, and more expensive organic produce in smaller shops scattered about.
My little street is very friendly. I have lived here for over 14 years. For most of those years I hardly knew any of the neighbours, until a few years ago, one hot summer evening, I overheard a mother screaming at her teenage daughter. My window was wide open and they were on the street. Hearing their painful exchange and the girl crying made me feel for her, so I looked to see where they were. Eventually they returned into one of the houses. The next day I called there to check how they were. It was a difficult phase for the family, but I was welcomed in by the other parent who explained what was going on. Ever since then I joined the street WhatsApp group and started attending the annual street party. I witnessed how the teenage girl became less troubled, as she moved to a different school where she felt more accepted. What really struck me was, how much she was supported by other neighbours on our street. Some of them have lived here for decades and know each other well. What had disturbed me about the screaming on the street, was in another sense a sign of how healthy they were, to be so open among their neighbours. They knew they were safe there. I just didn’t know that. The girl had been brought up to be close with various of the neighbours, not just her family. It was an unfamiliar scenario to me, but I was grateful to become aware of it.
Then this year for the first time, several of my neighbours (6 people from 4 households including the teenage girl) came to watch my performance at Telegraph Hill Festival! They saw me naked and doing my thing, and they did drawings of me. That I didn’t like that performance so much may not be so important. There was a milestone with my street! I crossed a different threshold. Even not liking my own show, I felt accepted and supported by my neighbours. For much of my life I have felt like an outsider but that has definitely changed. As astrologers might say, my midheaven is going critical this year. One’s midheaven represents the way others see you, and your role in the community, perhaps what you do for a living.
A tree from another walk in the book, near Chorleywood, also in the Oyster zone. I stopped here to sit on the tree and do some journaling.
I have been thinking about how I could make it easy for people to support my work. Joining Patreon is an option, though I’m less drawn to monthly offerings as I don’t think it suits my pattern. I’d rather foster individual relationships with supporters who really dig my work, and arrange with each how to make that rewarding for both sides. Sometimes people want to be a part of some of the creative process, and that would mean a lot to them. I’m thinking a few good supporters or even realistically one or two would work well for me. It’s not the sort of thing you necessarily advertise for; they may organically emerge. Personal connection is very important with my work. That said, I’d happily negotiate smaller exchanges as well which are not necessarily ongoing. This post is about my current work; an update on where I am at; how I support myself; and how you could be involved. I haven’t blogged for a few years so there’s a lot of ground to cover! I hope to share more blogs from now on about my process, so you can get a sense of my practice. Writing about some of my life which is pertinent has always been part of my oeuvre.
I have some performances coming up – Deptford X Festival on 24th July, plus a gig at The Crypt Gallery in Euston suggested as 24th May (tbc). Others may also line up but are not ready to be mentioned. It’s way too early for my above shows to be on either site.
For Deptford X, this is not funded, but I can ask for donations. Likewise with the Crypt. I will put energy into preparing the work, which will probably be the same show for both performances. The venues are considerably different however, and if it were possible I would love to work with a sound artist at The Crypt which is a unique and atmospheric space. That could be essentially a percussionist, or perhaps more appropriate would be a digital soundscape maker. It would suit someone who feels drawn to situating their sounds in the Victorian vaults underneath a church. Stone, arched corridors; crumbling tombs, dark alcoves.
The show I have applied to bring to Deptford X is ‘From the 7th Layer‘. I plan a little remake for it, to keep up with where I am at now. They are primarily a visual arts festival, so I will provide drawing materials for the audience. I don’t pay for venue space (a pub room at the very friendly The Royal Albert) for this one or the Crypt. The latter is a gift from an employer/colleague who runs the Crypt and because it will be free, I won’t be able to confirm the date until about a week before.
With Deptford X, it’s a great way to be part of my local arts scene. The festival has a longstanding legacy of being supported by the Arts Council, so being included in their programme can feel positive for one’s CV. Funding however is not available for me there as I am not a minority*. I am fortunate to live in such a culturally rich area. On the funding side of things I will use my ingenuity!
* Sometimes I tick the neurodivergent box, and because it’s a self-identifying trait, who can tell? When I read a list of characteristics they all felt very familiar. However, being very optimistic and always enjoying what is different about me, I never sought any diagnosis (there are some conditions like autism which do determine neurodivergence). I don’t see it as a problem, just positive to be thinking and feeling in creative ways. Plus I guess, I am pretty functional.
Your support, your money and offerings in kind, may buy me time to do my art or otherwise assist me to further it. I make my life work independently, but extra costs like an impending dental bill, are unavoidable and harder to factor in. Doing too many hours as a life model is counter-productive as it may wreck my body, and the cost of restoring it is far higher than what I earn.
Apart from modelling and performing, I used to lead classes and could do again. I receive help with my rent – universal credit – but I am under pressure to make more money and accept any job. To that end I will probably be working a number of hours fairly soon doing something quite ordinary.
My expenses are relatively simple as I am not drawn to materialism. I don’t think it’s bad; it’s just not my style. My sense about wealth is it’s about personality and individual life purposes. We’re not all wired to be wealthy or even aspire to it. We have other things to do! My life is rich in myriad ways which are rarely about money. The trappings of considerable wealth turn me off, and when I spend time in a rich relative’s 4th home on a far flung peninsula on this planet, the high level security feels like a prison to me. I prefer to be more humble and value connecting with ordinary people. My ways are likely mutually alien to him. While this post doesn’t feel aimed at him, if he or anyone like that wants to be in touch, I am naturally open to it. What I can’t relate to, does spark my curiosity. To see someone enjoying their life, and living it to the full, with a lot of love as well as money, is inspiring, even if the details are strange to me.
My mobile phone is the same one I bought second hand five years ago. It still works and again, I don’t think everyone needs the latest tech. Rather than pay for broadband I tether, and I often find clothes on the street! (My neighbourhood is good for that). Generally I would rather be outdoors in wild nature than pay for an art institution’s subscription (sorry! Plus various friends have them.) Some people would say I flaunt a scarcity mindset, which I have considered but I don’t think it’s that. I truly enjoy simple things and even old fashioned ways. Seeing how people live in “developing” countries (or “emergent nations”) inspires me, and I think we have a lot more to learn from them than we may realise. That said many of them have newer phones than me! I have a rule about following my joy, my inner bliss, and that’s how I know I’m on the right track. Shopping centres repel me, but finding items on the pavement excites me!
Until recently I did have a more exciting life of world travel due to my ex-partner. It was my choice to leave what was a very good relationship. Yet something was missing. I had never been single for more than three to four months since I was 18. I was about to turn 48 and I had been single for less than a year in total in the last 30 years. I decided it was time to come off the roof* and see what happened.
*Coming off the roof is an expression in the Human Design modality, referring to the time in life around middle age for a particular type of person, of which I am apparently one. Such types may come into their own later in life, specifically after the small planet Chiron returns to its starting position when we are about 50 years old. Human Design is an elaborate form of astrology, mixed with the I Ching. There is also a sense of risk with coming off the roof, even as it is a strong pull. Will you grow wings and soar, or gently float; or will you fall and crash? Such people may be carving an untrodden path, and depending on where they are, the world around them may not be ready to catch. Anyway, it’s intensely complicated, but it did strike a chord, and long before I’d heard about it, I had a clear feeling that in order to develop myself further, I would need to be solo.
So I actively chose to let go of some abundance in my life on various levels – love, sex, affection, emotional support, friendship, wise counsel, material resources, travel, a residence outside of the capital, and the true list is far longer… because my internal compass was pointing in a new direction. If complete self individuation is my intention, I would need to stop being so in relation to another person. That feels profoundly correct, yet it is also deeply sad, and at times I can’t believe what I’ve done.
While it is a wrench, I am also very grateful we have been able to navigate the separation and maintain harmonious, respectful, loving appreciation for each other. That’s not exactly a first for me, but it is the first time I haven’t met anyone else, and I have almost zero interest in doing so. My inner guidance tells me I need at least a year, probably two or more, to just be with myself. I am unwinding not only from the last over nine years, but from the last 30 years of intimate partnership. That’s a lot of rewinding and looking within, recalibrating. Peri-menopause for me is a blessing allowing me the hormonal space to be single. For decades I was dominated by those chemicals. Finally I have a chance to be free. Maybe that’s my coming off the roof. There’s no one to catch me but I don’t need them anyway.
On the spiritual side, I can hear my guides much more clearly as a single person. There’s less interruption. I know I must instil that strong connection with them before all else. For the unfamiliar, guides are the mostly unseen beings accompanying each of us from another dimension. They connect us with a higher version of ourselves, and with pure love and light. Even if we don’t know it (or believe it) they are there. This is a belief system which even if it isn’t true, can radically enhance your existence! It aligns with quantum physics in that the multiverse means we exist simultaneously with other versions of ourself. By choosing to focus on our highest potential, we may redirect ourselves in this life. (I’ve forgotten which film that is the plot of.) You don’t need guides for that, but they appeal to some imaginations, and if they make you feel excited about something good, then they are worth tuning into.
Building a fruitful connection with them feels like your intuition being spot on, your instincts serving you well, inspiration leading you to wonderful places, and your dreams leaving you with useful messages. The fantasticalness of spirituality fascinates me, the multi-dimensionality. I imagine it’s our evolutionary impulse, and that awareness makes many lower vibration earth-bound situations feel less troublesome to me. I do see the world in a different, more positive light than I used to.
A note on travel and maintaining my new momentum. It was in early February this year (the relationship separation was over Christmas by the way) an artist I work with told me her paintings of me may hang in an important exhibition in New York in September. I decided I must go, and it would be my first ever trip in my life to the US. I’d wanted to go for ages, especially since reading my American Gramp’s memoirs. I didn’t just want to go to New York, I really wanted to get to Seattle where he came from. And I wanted to see more of the amazing landscapes America has to offer.
So I booked a journey across America by myself in my first year of being single. I kept quiet about the trip till now because it feels very personal. Breaking up is extremely personal. I just kept quiet. My first trip to the US is something very special. It will take me time to acclimatise, and I will be able to focus on my new surroundings and switch on my senses full blast best being solo. That’s something else Human Design gave me solace about. It explained how I operate energetically, and why I need so much quiet time. Like a diagnosis in an astrological reading. I already knew these things, and it feels validating to have them backed up by planets and signs.
The trip is for just over three weeks and I would have loved it to be long enough to really make connections. Maintaining my home in London is also a consideration however. If you want to help me cover the costs of my trip, that would be extremely appreciated. This is a unique experience I am doing on a budget of greyhound buses and single rooms. I don’t sleep well enough for couch surfing to be advisable.
Other ways to help include sharing business expertise, technical support, holiday homes especially close to nature, theatrical direction or video editing for example. What I could offer in return – house/pet/babysitting; art modelling; intuitive counselling/coaching (I am not trained); help with meditation or embodied movement; creative problem solving; a very positive sounding board to help steer you from gloom; tapping into your creativity; helping you follow your intuition. Also, collaborations, venue space and invitations to perform or hold workshops.
I am very excited to be travelling a bit further for the first time alone.
A photo of me by Richard Crawford. I was at the private view of Drawing Humans exhibition at XYZ Gallery on 12 March. I am wearing a new dress I bought in a natty shop in Bishops Castle which my friend Sara took me to.
Esther Bunting 