meditation

Speaking my Truth & getting to the Root

I decided to move over to Substack, as it’s a platform where subscribers may pay for content, which feels very hopeful. Back in 2011 I began blogging on WordPress, and I will also continue here as it’s where my websites are. Sometimes however, if I write something more in depth, it may only appear on Substack. It may take a while to find my subscribers there, let’s see. This is the first post which appears on both platforms, while I get used to the new system. I get the impression one benefits from putting time in to following others there, like any platform. If that doesn’t suit me so well, I will be all the more glad to have this site.

One of my paintings, in water colour, charcoal, pastel and menstrual blood. Abstract depicting layers of form, like a cross-section of another planet’s substance and atmosphere.

At this current time, I am about to have some root canal surgery on one of my teeth for the first time in my life, as well as some more ordinary dental procedure. Having learnt about the (vedic) chakra energy system in our bodies, I am aware that this work in my mouth relates to my 5th chakra. That is an energetic vortex in my throat, not visible physically (to most people), yet sensed subtly by sensitive people. It is a different layer to our being, superimposed on the physical form and interacting with it, part of it. Not something I was brought up to know about, but I can now feel and work with my chakras. They are part of our health, and in other cultures around the world as well as increasingly normalised locally, people use them consciously as part of healing their bodies (and minds, spirits) when unwell. Western medicine rarely acknowledges them, though I have heard of energy healing happening in some hospitals, and a machine which balances chakras being used in Hong Kong. More usually crystals, tuning forks or simply meditation may be used. Chakras are the gateways where subtle energy moves in and out of our physical form. They also correspond to different layers of energy surrounding us making up our auras.

Energy healing aside, I require some extensive dental treatment, and no amount of wishful thinking seems to be able to avoid it (I did hold off for about a year as I couldn’t feel yet what the dentist warned me of). Teeth being bone, they are also connected with the Root chakra, which is located at the base of one’s spine. Themes of the Root include feeling safe, and our relationship with our family of origin.

The 5th chakra is about speaking one’s truth, and finding one’s voice. It’s a very powerful vortex, since speaking our thoughts makes them more real, allows them to connect more tangibly with others; enables us to be heard. It is a significant part of how we manifest our reality, energetically speaking. Obviously speaking truth doesn’t necessarily occur when we talk, but that is the highest expression of the energy. If I am to heal my infected tooth on all levels, then I am also paying attention to how I communicate; how I get on with my family, as well as being open to receiving the surgery.

In recent posts I have mentioned money; potentially needing it; my relationship with it; how I feel about it. Well, when I first visited this new dentist I picked up on a magnetic vibration she carried. The prices she charges for her specialist work put her on a different level to my usual dentist, who often treats NHS patients, and doesn’t have such particular equipment. She exuded a higher level of confidence too, although I would say my normal dentist is incredibly proficient and I have a very high regard for her. I think it was something to do with the specialised service she provides, and where she is situated attracting wealthier clients. It is work which requires tremendous precision, and while she probably doesn’t frame the way she deals with clients in new age energy terms, she must become very talented at reading people so that she knows how to communicate with them according to their needs. My sense was that she is very good at this, at least from my own experience with her. She also has an arrangement with my dentist to receive referrals like me, so not all the patients entering her surgery are quite so full of money.

The way she connected with me made me feel like I mattered, and I felt quickly that I trusted her, which is quite special for an expensive dentist to do. Although the bill was going to be higher than most things I pay for, I felt good about her personally and spending that money on her service. She inspired me; she made me want to be more like her; and that’s worth paying for! It’s not the first time I have noticed the power of larger sums of money to make me think and behave differently. The way they affect you – whether you earn them or pay them. It’s both the money, and her brilliance at her job, and the two are of course linked. They make a form of success! Her energy sings of how she values herself highly, and that is so attractive.

Following on from my last post about communist/anti-apartheid ancestors, and I can’t help but notice a link with an anti-capitalist sensibility running strong in my lineage, and a lack of resources. That isn’t manifest in my whole family at all, but as I said, I do particularly – more than most – relate to those ancestors. Perhaps their beliefs need to be addressed in me. Like unpicking the layers of their beliefs, because some of them were very positive, ahead of their time, and also included being amazing at what they did. Yet a strand that thought making money is selfish, or we should always think of the collective before our own needs, does benefit from being challenged when it becomes detrimental. I could be exhibiting part of a lower expression of their energy, when really I want to aim for the highest. I may have inculcated a worship of supporting (and even identifying as) the vulnerable; not exalting the successful so much, and I think that’s actually very prevalent in parts of our society and you don’t need my ancestors to get caught in it.

Transforming my energy around wealth would make me very happy. For sure I am moving in the right direction with it, and my next step will be to learn how to generate more of it myself. To become more self-sufficient or abundantly provided for. Wealth and resources come in different forms, not just sums of money, and in some regards I feel very abundant already in highly positive rewarding ways which I am really grateful for. Be it in friendships, my love of my own company, my quality of life, how often happy and positive I feel, enjoying my work, my love of nature and cold water swimming, and being in my body as well as meditating.

Some of these things people would spend enormous amounts of money trying to achieve, and I just have them naturally. To be fair I have worked hard at creating them as they presently are in my life; it wasn’t always thus. I would also love to be able to pay for my life without being supported by the state or anyone else. I believe it is more than possible, it’s just been taking me a while to turn that aspect around. I don’t think it’s wrong to be supported by others, and I know I give back in many ways. It would however feel empowering to know I had more choice say, if I could buy my own home. Yet I am aware too, some of that impulse is illusory. The home I have now suits me very well indeed and in fact owning it or not means very little to me. As I have also mentioned, I am not that drawn to materialism; regardless of ancestors, I think it’s part of my nature. That inner aspect of me may well be delightfully comfortable as I am.

When it comes to manifesting a new reality, there is a balance between imagining the feeling of having what we desire, and being happy where we already are. If we express desperation, or dissatisfaction, we will surely repel what we crave, and only invite more of what we don’t want. This is the law of energy. Tending to our evolution with mindful purpose can take practice. Even if I am not that motivated by money itself, and basically have everything I need; what does fire me up is evolving my talents and using my gifts and abilities to their highest purpose. In my pursuit of that end – of becoming the highest expression of myself in this lifetime – I may well attract more income and the resources to achieve it. It is an evolutionary momentum which universal energies will support.

My ancestors pertain to my family of origin, so they are part of this mouth healing exercise as well as the living. An infection found its way into my tooth and over time ate away at the healthy pulp inside the root. After it did this, it wanted to infect the rest of my body, but my body is strong and clever and put a stop to this by creating a bubble to contain the unhealthy fluid spilling out of the root. A small swelling appeared on my gum which houses the bubble. This is what the dentist needs to treat, to try to save the dead tooth from needing to be extracted. There are healthy teeth in my mouth, one dead one and another needs repairing. Like family members perhaps! Some are easier to access and communicate with. The infection would represent whatever lower vibrational tendencies present in family patterning. Writing the blog to express myself is tied up in the equation. At some point I would like to do some singing again, as that definitely is 5th chakra energy and brings me great joy. Preparing a performance, as I always seem to be these days, is a way of working with that energy too.

Charcoal & Broomsticks

Like Cindarella after a hard day’s work I rest on my broom

exhausted and in a day dream about my Prince

Ugly sisters are having fun, being invited to everything and somehow stopping me from joining in while an evil step Mother holds the key to my cellar

Then a Fairy God Mother appears and offers a chance of freedom, to come out and shine

Cindarella figure from different view points; she is the hidden consciousness about to be revealed at the right moment

She holds the secret to unlimited success, beauty and Love!

Before you can manage your own affairs you must find the peace inside. Repeated rhythms of arduous work have kept Cindarella calm and disciplined. Drudgery has not dampened her dreams which sparkle more alluringly than ever. Solitude has brought her closer to herself and to value the company of others.

Reflection is a vital part of the discovery. To stay totally still and not move an inch, except for the infinitesimal but steady descent with gravity which the artists observe as they alter their measurements. I don’t notice, I’m locked in a stare and far away

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The Art of Magic

Chaosphere; symbol of chaos magic

The first step to a magical state of mind, according to a Chaos magician’s handbook, is to still the body. It suggests finding a comfortable position and at first attempting motionlessness for 5 minutes, which is not easy when executed completely. One is then to build up gradually to half hour periods of stillness, practising daily. Should any unexpected occasions for stillness arise in one’s day to day life, then it is advisable to take advantage, if you want to maximise your potential as a chaos magician.

The joker in me thinks chaos magic people could do a recruitment drive among life models; most of us have definitely mastered step 1, and are probably well into the next levels too, although not being conscious of this might make a difference.

Breathing has to slow right down and get really deep. Tick.

Not-thinking: this is what I understand meditation to be; regarding one’s tempest of a mind and hauling it in, not wandering off with the pull of any divergent tangent. When successful this leads to trance, and you know you’ve risen above it all when you feel the glow in your third eye and in the crown of your head. It’s a warm tingle, very pleasant, and the lightness and euphoria I get enable me to transcend discomfort of the pose, because unlike chaos magicians, I’ve cut off my circulation, got a crick in my neck and all my weight is on my right heal. Do I get extra points? No, I’m way behind on the theory!

Also when in a trance, thoughts do still come up, but they all seem to make me laugh, except usually it just induces a smile. Occasionally I do crack up in hysterics much to the artists’ bewilderment; generally I can’t explain the joke or it’s just too dirty… I mean I like my job, and just them knowing that what my comical mind has yielded is off the menu says enough.

There is another state of hyper sensation I get; stronger emotions but with an extra awareness of them, like I’m watching them. So I might get on a sad one, may even draw a tear, but it’s like it’s from so deep inside, there’s an awesome release, so that the sadness is accompanied by elation.

That brings me to another of the chaos magic themes: emotions and their opposites. Apparently the root of every emotion is in its opposite, and a wheel is drawn: sex and death, love and hate, fear and desire (to begin with, it gets more complex too.)

Object concentration, as part of achieving a magical state of mind (from which who knows what is possible) means the fixed gaze during motionlessness. In my work this is most common and necessary whilst modelling for portrait. A fixed point in one’s vision must be picked, and held for hours, days, weeks on end. It is hard to stop the mind from distorting what one sees, but after a while, I have found, of looking thus in the same direction, everything looks different anyway, like you are seeing all that you could have missed with a more casual look. I practise this too when life modelling as it is part of what brings about the high I enjoy. All my worries vanish – what to do with that guy who pretends he doesn’t want to date me but when we meet that’s what it feels like… will other people apart from my boyfriend like my new script, do my friends still like me after I didn’t turn up to… is my brother mad at me!

During half term I didn’t have a lot of work and Aaron asked if my powers would diminish with hardly anyone worshipping me! I have been thinking this is a great way to think of my job, and love that Aaron sees it this way. Instead of thinking, ‘Oh no I’ve got to get up for work’, I’m like ‘Gonna go to the temple to be worshipped’!

Taking Time For Ourselves

At the first meditation meeting of the Women on Fire, most of us were tentative about speaking up, coming forward. Judith had some salient advice; many of us, whether by nature or nurture who knows, feel drawn to helping others a great deal. All too often to the detriment of looking after ourselves. I don’t know if this message came to Judith from spirit, as they say in shamanic circles, or if she just felt it intuitively. I felt its resonance.

I am not sure if people around me in my life would especially notice whether I take enough time for myself. Not having children, other dependents or a regular full time job means I am more likely to be taking time for me. The way I reflect on Judith’s advice, is to consider more, how many years I have given over to trying to nourish the impossible. In other words, relationships with men which were mighty troublesome.

I am so happy and grateful to be in more favourable circumstance now. It has perhaps been in trying to establish where my priorities lie in friendship that I may have felt myself spreading a little thin. It is needs part of the process of finding out how different friendships fit.

The regular meetings with the writers workshop in the theatre are already providing valuable structure. I have to present an idea, pitch a project and I am unused to doing this in such a group. Whether I come up with the right project or not, I know I won’t be satisfied unless I have given myself the appropriate amount of quiet and private time in order to realise whatever ideas I may.

At the Women on Fire meeting I tell them I am there because I want to root myself more, so that I may build my work more effectively. I am in good company.

Fire Power

Judith Seelig invites us womenfolk to join hip to hip and connect with the Earth in a circle. Breathing is deep, focused and poured out with sound; the song of the fire from deep down and within.

The Women on Fire recognize a stronger position for women ahead, and are about empowering women to become important decision makers, because too few have that power now. This imbalance is their, our cause.

We are asked to give voice to our projects which we would like to be energetically underwritten by the strength of the group. I know that Spirited Bodies belongs in their camp, although still I am tentative to take up air time – they aim to reach a wide audience, cross-cultural, and the nudity I espouse may be jarring for some, so I will bide my time. Also, it is important that I let the work speak for itself; it is not about me but for other women.

So uniquely silence is felt and tasted among those women. We are listening to each other and our environment, not only words but spaces inbetween as well.

At their launching celebration in April, a wide range of inspirational women spoke. Nigerian political activist Hafsat Abiola-Costello, Polly Higgins the lawyer pushing for the crime of ecocide to be the 5th law against peace (so far only crimes against people are included), Kids Company director Camila Batmanghelidjh; scientists, artists, many types of activists and a shaman.

I look forward to getting to know Women on Fire more.

Wired for Work

At an advertising agency in Kensington I am surprised by how lovely the young things make me feel.
A very dry, cold ‘theatre’ room with a cheap decor, slowly fills with keen, appreciative artists. I don’t want to like them; I checked out the multinationals they represent in the portfolio down in the lobby, but these yes privileged persons, have been requesting life drawing sessions from their seniors for some time; have been starved, so this once monthly occasion is feted.
I relax, improvising with the furniture, admiring their sketches. There is a chill at first, so I naturally huddle into protective, warming, apparently sex-kitten poses! Then a quality heater is delivered, and I uncurl into passionate, open posture; I let myself be the way I really am – cute, coquettish and angularly striking.
A young man announces he modelled in Florence whilst attending classes at the world’s premier life drawing academy. I ask if it paid for his tuition and he said he was lucky to have parents covering that. But knowing that he knows what it’s like to do what I do, does make me feel much more at home.
Candles are brought to illuminate my feet and I bask in loving ambiance.
Red flows to unwind their charcoaling fingers and lubricate a love for drawing. Why do I feel so enamoured? Am I projecting the love I desire on to these rat race rabbits? If I am I’m sure they feed it back because by the end I overflow. I do not resent their commercial creed; art unites us for a short exercise in loving connection where the only touch is on paper. They allowed me to be beautiful, and even to forget about sex, which is an achievement at present!
A good model friend of mine advised me on structured meditation while modelling, to avoid unwanted thoughts and attention. I cannot instill this instantly, but something of her wise words must have sunk in – I feel like I am on a higher plane. I’ve always fallen in my own time to the rhythm of meditation, but with practise a greater discipline will work for me. I do not want my sexual appetite to get the better of me, there is more to art and life.